Good Shit

I’m not sure if I’ve told you that my mother is fucking crazy!  Random weird shit comes flying out of her mouth all the time.  Always.  We have recently switched one of her antidepressants and she came back to life!  She’s a feisty, lippy and demanding woman now.  She’s awake a lot more now, which cuts into my down time, but that’s fine.  Turns out the crazy lady can be funny sometimes.  Anyways… back to the story I’m trying to tell here.  I’m getting her ready for bed just moments ago.  Normal routine.  Make sure the phones and remote are in the right order (I think I might know where my OCD comes from), fill up two glasses of water and turn her bi-pap machine on.  She checks her cell phone battery and realizes the phone needs to be charged.  She hands me the phone as I reach down to grab the cord.  I stand up and start to plug in the charger just as we both discover that she has her mouth wide open waiting to be plugged in to charge!  When she realized what she doing she started laughing so hard that she could have pissed herself!  We were geeking out!!!  A laugh so hard that you can’t stop until you’re crying.  It was great!!!  It reminded me of when earlier this week I went to pour her a glass of water and I wasn’t even holding the water jug!  Another good hard laugh!  I can’t believe that there’s no one in charge of us!  I’m not sure if this post makes any sense… I’m a little drunk and that shit was funny!  I couldn’t wait until tomorrow… I’ll probably forget it by then.

We’ve Got A Bleeder!!!

I washed up mom just now, as I do everyday.  Part of that includes changing the dressings on any wounds that she might have.  Right now she has a wound on the side of her belly that needs to be packed so it can heal from the inside out.  It is changed twice a day.  About half an inch under the wound is a little spot that requires very little attention.  It looks like maybe the tape was ripped off and some skin came with it.  I just don’t put tape on it.  I cover it with gauze and then tape the whole thing down.  No big deal.  Until today.  I take the tape off the area and BAM!  There is blood pouring out!!!  It looks like I’ve just hit an artery!  Mom is on blood thinners so here comes the blood.  On the outside I’m cool as a cucumber.  On the inside I’m fucking freaking out!!  I’m getting ready to yell “We need two units of O-Negative STAT!“.  There are these sticks that look like long matches that doctors use to stop bleeding called silver nitrate sticks.  They act similar to matches and burn the area to stop the bleed.  I call them “Magic Sticks”.  On more than one occasion I have wished for these sticks to be in my possession.  Today was one of those times.  Again, I’m cool as a cucumber on the outside.  In my head my thoughts can’t move fast enough to get out of the other thoughts way.  Do I call the home nurse?!  What is he/she going to do that I’m not?!  Does he/she have some of those magic sticks?!  I doubt it.  Am I really going to have to bring her back up to the hospital for this?!  By this time I have already gone through three packages of gauze pads and it’s not slowing down!  And when I say “gone though”, I mean soaked!  Damn the blood thinners!  WTF?!  Five minutes goes by.  How long am I supposed to wait?  Am I applying enough pressure?  Then finally it starts to slow down!  Praise the monkeys!  (I praise monkeys because I’m not a huge believer in Jesus and it makes my friend Jenna laugh.)  Now that everything is back to normal I can stop having my little mini panic attack in my head and relax.  I think I need a nap now!  So if anybody is wondering what to get me for Christmas… I want some Magic Sticks!

My Toenails Hurt!!!

When that man died in the park so did my enthusiasm for running and anything else that is good for me.  I’m a loser.  I’m a smoker again and I’m lazy.  It was a good three weeks.  I would say that I tried, but obviously I didn’t try very hard.  It’s hard to get out of a slump you’ve been in for so long. 

To help me get out of my slump I participated in the Hometown Run with my best good sister Darla and my best good brother Jake.  I invited our other two siblings but they are bad and did not join us.  Big surprise!  We did not run!  We walked the whole five miles in a little over an hour.  Not bad for two smokers.  Jake has a bad back and knees and still made it through while smoking of course.  It was funny to see a man in jeans and smoking while everyone around us is running in spandex!  I did run for three blocks so I could go to my favorite corner store to get some water for my bitches.  I would have waited for a water stop but we were only a mile into the race and I was dying of thirst.  It would have been easier if the people who designed the race brought us right past the store, but who am I and what do I know?!  On more than one occasion I had to run a little to catch up with my best good siblings.  Damn them and their long legs.  They have six inches on me and I swear it’s all in the legs!  Finally about three miles in I told them that I couldn’t keep up with them and their legs. Darla turns around and says “It’s not our fault our dad’s taller than yours!”.  We all laughed, but that didn’t stop their long legs from making me run every couple of blocks to catch up.  My nephew (Darla’s son) ran the race and then turned around and ran back to meet up with us around mile three to walk back with us.  Damn he’s fast!  My family is so fucked up.  At one point Jake looks at my nephew Zeke and asked him ”Hey Zeke, are you slamming anything?!”.  Asking the poor boy if he’s dating/sleeping with anyone.  I know Zeke is used to the crude behavior from his parents, but now his uncle?!  Poor Zeke. 

I have decided to get back into the swing of exercising, but I will need to wait a couple of days.  I got home from the race and my legs were like jello.  Then a couple of hours passed and then my legs hurt and then my toenails!  My fucking toenails hut!!!  I’m not sure why.  They’re not too long.  My shoes aren’t too tight.  Im a fucking mess!  I am old!  And today the sides of my butt hurt where they meet my legs.  So as soon as I can get up and walk normally without grimacing I will start moving  my ass to reduce the size of my muffin top and love handles!

Thank you Darla and Jake for a wonderful walk!

Dead Man in the Park

Today was a super spooky day.  I will start with going to get fingerprinted, even though that’s not how my day started.  I am getting a new part time job that requires me to have my back ground checked and fingers printed.  I drove to this location that is not a police station.  I was driving around the parking lot and I couldn’t find anything that looked like an entrance.  This place was massive.  Big brown brick building that was built a million years ago that I’m guessing you just orb into.  I drove down to the lower lot and see this paper sign hung up on a post that says “Main Entrance” with an arrow.  Still no visable entrance.  I parked my car and started walking.  There were a ton of cars, but it was like a ghost town.  I get inside and am instantly scared.  It’s like a Stephen King movie in there!  Long hallways that lead to nowhere.  There was a few people that I saw, but they seemed to be in slow motion!  I couldn’t wait to get out of there.  I have never been so freaked out!

I let Chiquita outside this morning at 8:45.  She usually comes back in within the hour either cause she’s bored or hungry.  Two hours goes by and she never came back in.  I grabbed her little bell toy thing and went out looking for her.  Nothing.  I dicked around some more inside and went back out another hour later.  Nothing.  I went to go get fingerprinted and came back to look some more.  This time I went out with treats cause I knew that bitch had to be hungry by now.  Nothing.  Wait!  Maybe something.  Was that her crying?!  I looked everywhere.  WTF?!  Then I saw her out of the corner of my eye.  She in a tree about 15 feet up!  Great.  My neighbor Dan came over to help me, but we couldn’t get her down.  By now she’s been stuck up there for at least four hours!  I called my brother Rich and he came over after work and had her down in less than a minute.  Praise Jesus!  It’s a Christmas miracle!  She is so grounded for the rest of the day!

I caught the bug!  Damn Darla and her bugs!  I went running this morning up at the track at my old high school.  I didn’t run very far.  Half a mile to be exact.  Please don’t laugh at me.  I also ran up the stairs and back down twice.  I think the stairs killed me more than the plain ole running.  Speaking of killing… something killed a man at the park next to the track!  Maybe it was a heart attack.  Maybe it was poor balance.  I don’t know what it was.  I was running along and I noticed an ambulance pulling up.  WTF?!  I’m still running here people… it’s a little premature!  Then I notice a man on the ground over on the playground and a woman kneeling above him giving him CPR.  The paramedics finally get over to the dying man and the next thing I know they’re getting the paddles out!  Seriously?!  This man is dying right here right now?!  I didn’t stick around to see the outcome.  But I’m pretty sure that there’s a dead man in the park!  And that’s how my day started!  I should have known right then that today was not going to be easy.    

 

I GOT BEAT BY A MAN WITH NO LEGS!!!

I ran my very first run this morning with my best good sister Darla!  I didn’t sleep very well at all last night.  I was too busy thinking about the run.  My nerves were out of control!  I had to take Imodium before we left the house so I wouldn’t shit all over myself.  While running I thought I was going to puke the two ounces of orange juice I drank three hours earlier.  There was about 125 runners, which Darla said was not much at all;but I don’t like crowds, so that was about 125 too many people in one place!  After everybody started running and left us in the dust I was much better.  I don’t know exactly how long it was before I took my first walking break, but I think it was about half a mile!  I did not finish in last place!!!!!!!!  That’s the best news ever!  I did not win a prize.  I got beat by a 70 year old man, but I beat a 60 year old lady!  And let me just remind you… I just quit smoking 8 days ago!  Yes, that ’s right, smoke free for over a week now!!!!!  We met a man who wore what appeared to be water shoes that looked like mittens.  It was crazy.  He was super nice and took one of them off to show me.  And the funniest part of the run… the part you all have been waiting for… I got beat my a man with no legs!  Seriously!  He did have legs, but they were useless to him.  He was in a wheelchair.  He was chunky too.  It was supposed to be a flat course, but it was not.  One hill.  Big hill.  It didn’t look like he was going to make it.  I actually stopped for a second thinking I should help him up the hill.  Some other lady got to him first and he told her that he wanted to do it on his own.  Good for him I thought.  But never in a million years did I think he’d make it up to the top.  Well he did!  And then he beat me by 7 minutes!!!

It was a good run with my best good sister.  Not a bad way to spend your Sunday morning!

Smokeless Weenie

I can’t believe I haven’t posted anything in a month!  Where does the time go?!  I have great news…

I have been smoke free for a day and a half now!!!  I am participating in a 5k in six days and that day was supposed to be my first day as a non smoker.  I was cutting down and getting lower and lower every day, except that I kept cheating!  Hey, at least I’m honest about cheating!  I was cheating so I decided to just stop.  I had my last cigarette at 6pm on Saturday.  I’ve been a tiny bit  a lot  tiny bit cranky.  I need to start training now for my run next weekend.  It seems as though I have replaced cigarettes with food.  Big surprise!  So, by training I mean not eating all day and night so I will be able to move my fat ass on run day!  Wish me luck!

I Jinxed Myself

While falling asleep last night I couldn’t help but think about how we haven’t had any bats in the house in two years.  Three summers ago we had about eight bats get in the house!  That’s a lot of fucking bats!  I really don’t like them.  They fly around like chickens with their heads cut off and squeak the most annoying squeaks.  I know they want to get out just as much as I want them out, but they sure don’t act like it.  My friend Jenna gets bats too.  And I was thinking that maybe she just needs a cat.  I have cats, but the one that could help me was always outside when the bats got in.  As I’m sleeping peacefully and dreaming wonderful things I feel Chiquita (our only girl cat) rip her claws through the palm side of my fingers and take off running.  WTF?!  Now Lee Lee is up too.  Just as I start to ask him that’s going on I hear the squeak I know all too well.  Normally at this time I would already be on the phone calling my brother Rich (cause he’s only three blocks away and loves  doesn’t mind getting the bats for me) to come get the bat.  Now I have Lee Lee.  He’s new to the bat catching so I had to be brave and teach him how it’s done since I’m too much of a girl to do it myself.  He turned on all the lights and got my baseball glove.  We knew what room it was in cause all the cats were in there looking for it.  Chiquita was going nuts!  I think she wanted that bat more than I did!  Since all the lights were now in the bat was hiding.  I was brave and helped look for it.  The bat was hiding good.  Lee Lee thought it left and I laughed at him.  I told him that we needed to turn the lights off so it would come out.  We went downstairs and waited.  Next thing I know Lee Lee is back upstairs with all the lights on.  Why wasn’t he listening to me?!  Doesn’t he know that I know everything?!  We turned the lights off and tried to go back to sleep.  Twenty minutes later we hear Chiquita jumping all over the place and the squeaks again.  Poor Lee Lee goes back in the room the bats in and starts swinging a broom all over!  He was so cute.  He finally got the bat and brought it outside.  The bat did not fly away.  Poor guy didn’t make it.  I told him we need to start playing catch so he can remove the bats without killing them.  Now that bat is laying in the street as a warning to the other bats not to come in here or this could happen to them!  I should have just keep my mind shut.  What was I thinking?!  Hopefully that’s the last of this summers bats.

Ummmm….

Long time, no post…

Since I’ve last written my poor puter caught a dirty virus.  It was horrible!  No need to worry, he’s much better now! 

Lee Lee, myself and my good brother Jake built a new deck.  It was a vision that Lee Lee had in a drunken stooper.  A good vision that was supposed to be a stone patio.  Stone is super expensive and very labor intensive.  So it’s a deck now.  And a mighty fine one!  It was a pain in the ass to build and it will be our last project.  I think I said that on our last project, but I mean it this time!  I cannot even count the number of times we went to the Home Depot.  I don’t want to go there again ever!  There was one day that we went there at least four times!  That’s just ridiculous.  I don’t think we would have been able to do it without Jake.  We got him a bottle of Captain Morgan last week as a thank you.  I’ll have to get him another one this week.  He’s a great brother!!! 

I am having a barbecue in two weeks.  I sent out invitations and nobody is calling to rsvp.  WTF people?!  Don’t they know this is my first barbecue?!  People need to come, or I’ll be sad.  At least my best good sister Darla will be there.  And my good brother Jake.  What else do I really need?! 

Lee Lee’s daughter was supposed to come over yesterday.  Big surprise, she didn’t.  No call, no show.  I am really starting to not like her.  No respect or consideration.  Spoiled rotten. 

Mr. Smokey Bones, on the other hand, appreciates the love we have for him.  He’s is now fixed and bathed.  I let him outside after a week of keeping him locked up in a room by himself (because he pissed on the counter during the night), and he hasn’t left yet.  He’s home.  Lee Lee pretends he doesn’t like him, but I catch him petting him and loving him all the time! 

Mom is done with her antibiotics and the pic line just came out this morning.  I spoke with her doctor last week and so far she’s not getting any better.  The antibiotics are just keeping the infection contained.  No better, no worse.  Another blood draw in two weeks and then we’ll take it from there.  Most likely we’ll be back in the hospital for surgery to debrid the infected bone. 

My bff Nakita got a web cam!  Now we can see each other all the time!  We skype almost daily.  It rocks to be able to actually see her.  I met her new bf over the puter and they’re planning a trip home this fall.  I miss my Nakita.

Now that we’re all caught up… I have to go tend to mom and her many bags!

Special Parking

I took my third trip of the week to Wegmans yesterday and left disappointed.  It wasn’t that they didn’t have any donut holes, that was the first thing in my basket!  It was something a little less serious.  While pulling into the parking lot I discovered a new special parking spot.  A spot that I’m not even sure I’ll ever be able to use.  A special spot just for expecting mommies.  Those bastards!  Who does Wegmans think they are?!  Babies-R-Us?!  No!  They’re not!  I expect (no pun intended) that shit from them.  But Wegmans?!  As if I need another daily reminder that I have yet to produce another person to help over populate this already over populated world.  I know!  I don’t need them to point it out.  And then I got to thinking, which sometimes is more than a little dangerous, shouldn’t pregnant woman be walking?  They need exercises.  They’re all fat and shit!  And they need to stay healthy.  And they need to be moving around so their asses don’t get super fat.  And then as I’m walking inside I see some huge fat man all by himself in his car take the spot!  That fat bastard!  He may look like he’s expecting, but I’m almost positive that he’s not.  Whatever.

Infections Are Silly

Infections in older people tend to make them a little crazy.  Last time mom had a massive infection I came home to her trying to pull her skin off!  When I asked her what she was doing she very simply replied “I’m trying to get this skin off!”.  It’s not like she was clawing at herself so I let her keep trying.  It looking like she was trying to pull a spider web off the palm of her hand.  She then asked for my help.  I told her that if she could give me one good reason for the need to be skinless I would help.  She couldn’t come up with one, so she still has all of her skin.  She is again infected.  Now in her bones.  Making her a little crazier at times.  A few days ago she asked me to tell the kid next door to stop playing with her belly button!  She doesn’t even have a belly button anymore!  Tonight when I went in her room to clean her up for bed she asked me for a pain pill and a pen.  I’ve heard stranger requests.  I gave her the pain pill without a second thought.  The pen on the other hand I questioned.  She doesn’t even know how to write anymore!  She told me that the pen was to write “No Children Allowed” on the invitations.  Invitations for what?!  There’s no party!  I asked her what these invitations were for and she very calmly replied “For the devil’s wedding”.  Like the devil is someone we know so well and we are throwing him a party!  I just told her that the devil can make his own invitations and if he wants kids at his party who are we to say otherwise.  I’m going to call the doctor tomorrow to see if this infection is getting better or worse.  It sounds like it’s getting worse.  But who am I and what do I know?!